“Loneliness is the most terrible poverty.” – Mother Theresa
My husband is fond of urging people to be KPC; not the Hokkien version of being kay poh chi, which translates to being nosy but rather his version, which is to Keep People Connected.
When we talk about staying connected, we are not referring to whether we have internet access. Connectiveness has to do with relationships โ the quality and quantity of time you spend with people you love or care about. People who are dislocated from a familiar environment often fall sick, because they feel disconnected.
This was precisely what happened to me when I first came from Malaysia to pursue my degree at the National University of Singapore. I was very homesick, and constantly sick. You name it, I had it โ gastric pains, migraines, insomnia. I would be calling home almost every day. To top it all, I was also disconnected from my then first love, who was living in the same hostel but living his own life, just as I was mine. Two young innocents growing further and further apart. When we finally split, I felt so bad, and guilty as much of it was my own fault. I couldnโt sleep, couldnโt eat. I was a wreck.
It was my girlfriends โ my hostel mates โ who helped me through those bad times. They held my hands the whole time. They took care of me, put me to sleep by sitting at my bedside, talking to each other softly โ I liked the soothing sounds of their conversation. And likewise, when one of them had problems, I rallied to their sides as well. We literally cried together, laughed together.
So the question is: how do we build strong connections that can help us get through challenging times, and come up stronger than before? To celebrate the good times and successes in our lives as well? Solid connections that allow us to be vulnerable because we know these are people who care about us. People who will support without judging. People whom we would do the same for, if and when they need us.
Connections also help us to more fully celebrate the triumphs and joyous moments in our lives. We need people around us who would celebrate whole-heartedly with us and are genuinely happy for us to add even more depth and meaning to our achievements.
BE MINDFUL AT ALL TIMES
It helps to practice mindfulness when we are with people we value. Itโs all about becoming aware of the โhere and now,โ being fully present in any situation, and trying to maintain an โopen-mindโ without judging. In turn, this can lead to forging deeper relationships and better connections, not just with your friends, but also your colleagues, and your loved ones.ย So if you find yourself zoning out of a conversation, or checking your phone whilst someone is talking toย you, STOP!ย Social media and text message relationships are fast replacing face-to-face interactions, but are these getting in the way of us building strong connections?
A funny incident comes to mind. I was once at a company staff dinner, and I noticed that everyone was texting or looking at their smart phones while waiting for the next course to be served. So I said aloud, โHey, are you guys all texting each other?โ Everyone laughed and quickly put away their phones. Isnโt that so typical at social events today?
Speaking at a TedX Talks event, Interpersonal Educator, Susan Fox, challenges us to “make technology wait. For an hour a day, turn your phone on flight modeโฆ what are you going to miss?”
But what exactly is mindfulness?
Itโs about paying more attention to the present moment and to your own thoughts and feelings, and knowing how to discharge negative emotions. Mindfulness helps us to understand ourselves better, reduce worrying and lead a calmer existence. Being mindful helps to improve our mental and physical well-being as they are linked. And most importantly, it helps us build better quality relationships. Many relationships have collapsed because of one partyโs perceived lack of attention to the other partyโs feelings and state of mind.
Here are four core values you must have before you can start on a slower, happier, mindfulness path:
1. Curiosity
We donโt mean wanting to knowย everythingย aboutย everything. Not to be KPC (a busybody in this context) for the sake of being KPC. But before you can even try toย lower the stress and anxiety in your life, youโve got to be aware of the world andย want to question it. Why is something making you feel uneasy? What’s the cause of your heart pounding? You canโt live in โthe here and nowโ without being inquisitive about it.
2. Kindness
This is where you have to be willing to be kind to yourself and your mind.ย If you feel your breathing quicken, your temperature rising and your mind spinning, recognise what is happening, and just stop and breathe. Don’t beat yourself up for not being able to control your emotions, or let them fall away naturally by not focusing on them.
3. Acceptance
If you are on edge and jittery, trying to ignore it and continuing to battle through as if everything is โfine, thank you very muchโ will ultimately result in burnout. There is no shame in how you feel, and with 55% of Singaporean business managers and owners admitting that evenย theyย suffer from everyday challenges, you are certainly not alone. Accept what you can’t change so you’re not struggling with negative outcomes which will propel you to feel even more frustrated. Accept diversity, and that other people’s opinions don’t have to agree with yours. Take yourself for who you are โ say “I am good enough!”
4. Judge not
If someone or something is fuelling your stress, before you start getting angry at the situation or the person, have the strength to see things from an alternative point of view before you continue. If youโre running late for work because the bus driver seems to be slowing down at every traffic light thatโs not even red, reign your anxiety in. Maybe he is being extra careful as he just got a ticket the day before? If your boss berates you for something small, hold back on being defensive. Perhaps they have out-of-work pressures youโre unaware of. When you judge someone without fact, youโre letting negative emotions build up from nothing. And at the end of the day, the only person who is going to be affected negatively is you, and not the other party you are upset with.
But most importantly โ remember itโs a two-way street! We seek to build connections that can give us much needed support but remember, we need to reciprocate and be there for those who need us. And simply by giving without expectations, we can receive so much more!
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Written by Jessica See, Health Coach
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